Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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