mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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