Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
