Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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