Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
