I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
