Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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