i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
