Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
