I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
