3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
