Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
