I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
