i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
