I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
