I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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