All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize