Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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