walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
