I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
