Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
