I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
