I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
