Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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