Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
