im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
