We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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