You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
