I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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