please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
