i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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