i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
