Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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