he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
