i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
