toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
