You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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