Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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