Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am one with the molecules
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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