I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
