All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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