So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
