i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
