are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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