So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Randomize
