i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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