It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
