You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
