i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
