I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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