did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
