I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Did I show you my penis last night?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
