Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
