I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
