I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
