Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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