Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
