You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Of course I have a pirate flag
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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