are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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