I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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